You Know You Love Me
by swissbeauty
Summary: Serena & Chuck have a moment together that leads to an unthinkable consequence and a violation of a taboo they both know goes beyond them being step-siblings. Blair is ecstatic to finally be getting together with Chuck, spiraling Serena's emotions.


There she was. Crying hard, her make-up running down her face, body hunched forward like a broken doll. He stood in the doorway of her bedroom, heaviness in his chest, tight with concern. Then he was holding her, sitting with her on her bed, cradling her through her stuttering sobs. She felt so soft, so warm, her cheek pressed against his shoulder. His cheek against her forehead. He held her protectively, instinctively. Perhaps she was so upset and consumed with her grief that she thought little of the jarring closeness. She desired it so strongly that she would fall into the arms of the first who came to comfort. But maybe, he thought somewhere beneath the confusing sensations that gripped him, maybe she wanted it just as much as he always had. They were coming close to the line of no return; the line of taboo, between fraternal love and culpable bliss, the line that kept things comfortably in order. She could be tempting and teasing without acknowledgement. He could be close to her without guilt.

She was struggling to breathe through her crying. As she began to quiet the looming silence drew closer. With it, inevitably, would come the embarrassment and the pain. He closed his eyes and slowly began to pull away, to try and appear innocent, his arm still around her shoulder, fighting and willing the hurting not to come.

As she turned to him he realized how beautiful she truly was, even crumpled from crying. Her golden waves remained unscathed. Her eyes still sparkled.

Serena inhaled deeply, shakily, sniffling, "What did I do? What did I do?" Her mantra kept the tears coming. Tears of release.

"What _did _you do?" Chuck asked her gently, leaning in to study her. "What happened?"

"Chuck I'm so stupid. I'm an idiot."

"Sssh, no, no, no. You are not an idiot."

To his unsettling delight, she hugged him tightly. "Everything is out of control and it's completely my fault. I messed things up with Gabriel. I told him about everything in the wrong place at the wrong time. He was horrified."

Chuck loathed Gabriel in that moment. "You don't deserve that," was all he could think to say.

Serena kept talking and he kept holding her, and little by little her muscles relaxed and she melted right into him.

It should not have happened. She should not have relaxed enough with him to feel her blood pumping and her panties getting wet. He should not have kissed her neck or stroked the side of her face.

They had been sitting next to the fireplace, gulping exotic wine and laughing at themselves, at her failed love life, at their world and the fact that Chuck Bass and Serena van der Woodsen were happy and together and it didn't make any sense but it was so unavoidably magnificent.

And he shouldn't have kissed her cheek, in an almost-brotherly way, to say goodnight and she shouldn't have let her eyes soften with tenderness and she most _definitely _should not have leaned in to peck him on the lips.

His arms had found her waist and hers his neck, like she used to hold Aaron and Dan and every meaningless boy before then. He'd pushed her up against the wall as they smiled, tipsy and dreamlike (for this _had_ to be a dream), French-kissing and stroking until inevitably they wound up in the darkness of his room. His hand up her shirt. Her lips on his neck. Their bodies tangled.

She had pushed him onto the bed and kissed him, hard deep and willful. Their clothes fell off and their hearts split open.

_She was predictable._

They lay side by side, Chuck's eyes to the ceiling and Serena's hand covering her own as she reiterated her lamenting self-mantra, _Oh my God…Oh my God…Oh my God…This should not have happened…_

_And then she wasn't._

Her voice softened as she took Chuck's hand under the sheets and turned to look at him, her eyes exposing sincerity, "But it felt really good, Chuck. It did."

He allowed himself one glance at her, one look that would arouse him and destroy him all at once. The glance became a stare. Damn, she was gorgeous, even with her golden mane tied back and her eyelids heavy from exhaustion. He touched her cheek lightly and she kissed his fingers.

"This should not have happened," Serena moaned to the ceiling. "This isn't right. You belong with Blair, and I'm her best friend, not to mention that we're – "

Chuck shushed her gently and she let the word, _step-siblings_, fall away. It was an ultimate, unbreakable taboo. But they both knew the real taboo they'd violated had not been that.

"I'm sorry," Chuck whispered sadly. "I'm so sorry."

Serena inched closer to him. He shivered, sensing her warmth. "No, no it's my fault."

"Don't say that."

"No, it is. Blair can never know this happened. _No one_ can ever know this happened."

Chuck sat up and leaned over her. Their eyes locked. He was still holding her hand, weaving his fingers through hers. In the dim light she studied the curve of his jaw and the lines of his chest. "Serena…you know I love you, just…"

"…not in the way you love Blair. I know."

She was right. His heart ached for Blair, even though Serena was easier and free and light and glowing. Even though Blair could be cold and catty, manipulative and cruel, his desire for Blair was far more than a healthy sexual appetite. Even though he loved Serena in that strange way he always would, his love for Blair was stronger, deeper. Serena was endearing, but Blair was _full of fire. _She twisted his heartstrings and aroused him so profoundly all at once. He could never let her go.

Serena knew that she was right, too. Now the jagged pieces fit together in a dumbfounding way. Every snarky comment, every time she had feigned disgust at Chuck and Blair's sexual escapades…it had not been out of jealousy, no…rather, her way of covering up her own feelings, making it right, making it work. Serena was the motherly one of the group. She wanted nothing more than for her friends to be happy, even if it meant denying her own affections.

But the line was now smashed, broken and unfixable. It was relieving and scary, coming up for air after being under so long. But at least now they could breathe.

"Come here," Chuck murmured, wrapping his arms around Serena and pulling her close to him. She could feel his heartbeat and he her supple, warm skin.

"You looked at me…"

"Hmm?"

"When we were…together…the way you looked at me."

Chuck said nothing. He had nothing but the dull pain in his chest merged with the tenderness he felt for the beauty in his arms.

He glimpsed at his watch. _3:30 AM. _They had school tomorrow, but fuck it, did it matter?

"Do you want to stay here?" he asked her.

"I couldn't go back to my room now," she sighed. "I couldn't be alone with this…"

"I'll make you breakfast."

"I'm _sure_, Master Chef." The playfulness was returning to her tone. It soothed them both.

"I will. What do you want? I'll make it for you."

She leaned into him, sighing deeply. "As much as I don't want food poisoning, I'll let you make me eggs."

He smirked to himself; "Food poisoning or a migraine?"

She couldn't help but laugh in her adorable way, remembering when he'd helped her lie to Dan about her whereabouts in days of Georgina's endless stalking.

He touched his nose to hers and let them fall into one last kiss, sweet and gentle, before reluctantly and dutifully pulling away.

They slept side by side, distant and close, together and radically separate, until the morning came. Serena's thoughts before dozing off were of her best friend, her B, and how she must put this in the back of her mind and never, ever acknowledge it again to anyone but the man she couldn't not to give a piece of her heart to.

***

Serena's morning after began solo. She awoke in Chuck's bed alone, disoriented at first, until a wave of panic spread through her body when she realized what had happened only a few hours ago.

She sat straight up and held herself, yearning to go back to sleep but not daring to stay naked in his bedroom. She found her clothing scattered everywhere, each loose article a stab to the heart, and quickly dressed before getting the hell out and not looking back. She could never look back.

Her nerves settled when she saw him in the kitchen. He was in his robe, at the stove, _making fucking eggs._ She bit her lip to stop from grinning pathetically. When he saw her his eyes lit up and he gave a cheesy bow.

"Good morning, Van der Woodsen. Master Chef Chuck is at your service."

The repressed grin gave way to a loud, happy laugh that stung like hell. She opened her mouth to tease him back but couldn't speak, so she sat at the table and rested her head in her arms.

He placed the plate of eggs in front of her. She looked up at him, repulsed by her desire to kiss his cheek and wrap her arms around him and inhale his clean, Chuck-smell.

Instead she smiled weakly and played absently with her fork.

"I can't believe you actually made me breakfast," she heard herself say. She was out of her body now. If she could stay like this she would never have to feel again.

When she looked up from the table she saw that Chuck was back in the kitchen, making coffee.

_Coffee, eggs and robes. Like a fucking married couple._

His phone vibrated against the table. The caller ID read BLAIR. She watched her fingers silence it before he noticed.

Chuck sat across from her with the _Wall Street Journal_ in one hand and coffee in the other. Serena leaned back and concentrating on numbing herself. She'd start with the mind, hush the busy thoughts and doubts and self-blame, and end at the heart, where all of the pain was spilling out of.

He lowered his paper. "Serena…" He was going to ask her what was wrong, but he stopped himself. Wasn't it obvious?

She reacted instantly to him saying her name. It sounded different now. _Serena. _She loved the way he said it, now that she thought about it. _No, no, no. You don't care how he says your name. Chuck is disgusting. You were drunk. It was a mistake. Admit it, get over it. Forget it._

Was this how Blair had felt, so long ago? Why had she judged her so harshly for it? She was a total hypocrite, wasn't she?

"Now it's official…" Serena mumbled.

Chuck put down his paper and coffee for good and leaned towards her. "What, Serena?"

"Nothing. Just that I'm a total hypocrite and a terrible friend."

Chuck gazed at her, wanting to comfort her so badly but not knowing how. "No…"

"No? Explain to me then how sleeping with my best friend's soon-to-be-boyfriend _after_ having had slept with her previous boyfriend _and_ having criticized her for sleeping with you does _not_ make me a hypocrite, or a terrible friend and terrible person?" she snapped viciously.

The loquacious Chuck Bass was for once silenced by Serena.

"Good morning, kids." Lily ambled into the kitchen, sighing and digging through her purse.

Serena shot Chuck a defiant stare.

"How are you this morning, Lily?" Chuck purred, keeping his eyes on Serena's that were rimmed with dark circles.

"Oh, Charles I'm just so…overwhelmed," Lily told the inside of her purse as she ravaged through it. "I've got a Parents Council meeting tonight _and _I have to attend the charity gala for– wait, aren't you two supposed to be in school?"

Chuck and Serena quickly looked to each other. "Um, they cancelled it today, Mom."

Lily studied them scrupulously. "Then where is Eric?"

"With Jenny," Serena said quickly, as Chuck reached for his phone to text and warn his step-brother.

"Oh, well, I should have suspected. Anyway, I have a hair appointment. Tell Eric not to stay out too late tonight, we're having a family dinner."

When Lily was gone, Serena lowered her head to the table and closed her eyes.

"Blair called. Excuse me," Chuck muttered. He left the table abruptly.

Serena bit down on her lip and let the tears flow freely.

"_Screw _that loser!" Blair demanded. She and Serena walked side by side down Fifth Avenue, their perfect hair windswept from the cool fall breeze. The bold sun illuminated Serena's vacant eyes. "If Gabriel can't see past how you used to be and notice how amazing you are now, then he definitely doesn't deserve to even look at you."

"Yeah, I know. I'm actually pretty over him now."

"Well good, because now I can tell you my news," Blair gushed. She grinned like a kid on Christmas, shining from every angle, and took Serena's hands. "I think Chuck and I are finally going to get together."

"Oh, that's great, B! I'm so happy for you!" Serena made herself squeal, her face growing hot.

Luckily Blair was too engulfed in her bubble of joy to notice. She dragged Serena along with her past the hot dog vendors and honking taxis. "I know! _Finally_ we can be a real couple. No more drama, no more bullshit. It's just … what I've always been hoping for. It's unreal."

Serena's lips twitched. She struggled to keep her elated tone. "That's great, B…"

Blair Waldorf was no fool. She raised a crisply waxed eyebrow. "What…?"

"What? Nothing! It's fine. Great! You, Chuck, woo!"

Blair was not convinced, not in the slightest. "No really, if it bothers you to hear about couples right now, I completely understand," she said cautiously.

"It's uh…not that. It's just…" Blair gave her that pressuring, forceful look that made her stomach turn. "This guy…I have feelings for and, he's kind of taken…it's nothing."

"_Kind of_ taken? What are you worried about, then? You're a million times hotter than some tramp he won't even commit to."

"Actually, I think he is committed to her. I know he is. And I don't think it's such a good idea…"

"Serena van der Woodsen, as lovely as it is to see you so adult and selfless, _snap out of it_! Go for it! What's his name?"

"Oh…you wouldn't know him."

"Come _on_, S! At least give me something to refer to when we talk for hours about how you're going to win him over."

Serena focused on breathing and forcing her mouth to smile. "Okay fine, but you can't tell anyone about it. If words get around that I even like someone, it'll be all over Gossip Girl that I'm pregnant or something sooner or later."

"Been there, done that. Name please?"

"His name is…Jeffrey. He's on the lacrosse team at York Prep."

Blair smirked wickedly. "Okay…details, details. Eyes? Hair?"

"Blair…"

Blair rolled her eyes and scoffed dramatically. "Fine, fine. Let's get lunch, I've been so excited I've barely eaten all day."

"Same here…"

He pleaded her with his eyes. They stood in the hallway, dressed perfectly for their casual family dinner. The only accessory out of place was the misery they wore like masks.

"Then can't we just…one more time….oh my God, _what am I saying_?"

Serena's miserable face was poignant, but Chuck had to stay firm. He took her wrist, pulled her closer and resolutely stated, "If this doesn't end now, it will never stop."

"But why does it…have to?"

"Serena, _please_…"

She pulled her wrist away. "No, Chuck. I can't just go on carrying this guilt around and never being able to do anything about it."

"Trust me. If I had known you'd feel this bad about betraying Blair, I would have never even approached you that night," Chuck retorted, eyes hard.

"That's not enough, Chuck. It _did_ happen, I _did_ betray her, that I might be able to live with." She swallowed hard, feeling the lump rising in her throat. "But I can't live with the other part of it."

Chuck's rigid expression softened slightly. "What do you mean?"

Serena stumbled on her words and tried again. "What you said to me that night. The way you looked at me…I have never had anyone look at me like that except for Dan."

"I appreciate being compared to Humphrey," he murmured. The side of his mouth curled into a smirk that faded as quickly as it had come.

Serena stepped towards him, inhaling slowly and carefully, keeping their eyes in contact. "When we were together, do you remember what you did?"

Chuck closed his eyes, his mouth pursed tightly. He was fighting with her. Fighting against the bliss of the memory. He lowered his head, unable to look at her.

One step closer. She touched his face ever so lightly and smiled sadly. He took her hand away from his cheek but didn't let it go.

Serena shook her head and melted his heart. She barely whispered, and he barely noticed he was leaning nearer. "Do you remember –"

"Charles! Serena!" Lily's motherly call echoed through the penthouse. Chuck absently rubbed her fingers.

"Let's go be social," he gently said. Serena nodded and followed him into the dining room. Chuck held her hand the whole way.


End file.
